Couples Conflict- "How much are we really fighting?"

I often hear people say "we are fighting almost all the time." For couples that perceive that they are fighting all the time, they feel very low relationship satisfaction. If I ask a different question how many fights do you have in a week, they may say something like two or three. The actual time that they are spent arguing, is normally somewhere around five minutes to 45 minutes. If we say they fight three times a week for 45 minutes, that actually only works out to two hours and 15 minutes of their week that they spend arguing, which is much less than the total hours in a week. The reason why they perceived that they are fighting all the time is because of how long it takes them to recover from an argument. This causes the effects of the argument last days, which normally spills over into the next argument, and this is where real relationship dissatisfaction comes from. So a goal to improve relationship satisfaction, is helping the couple recover faster from the arguments. Here's a simple technique that can help couples recover from an argument faster.

Technique:  when a couple is not fighting it is helpful to talk about how they can recover from the argument sooner, and if they commit to one another to be able to give a statement that shows love and wanting this argument to not cause problems between them. This statement is given about 45 minutes after an argument finishes, which allows for both partners to come down from the argument and calm down by themselves. During that 45 minutes rather than thinking and dwelling upon who is right why one position is more important than the other, rather trying to work through the emotions, identifying how the other partner might feel the way they do, and how they could resolve the argument. After 45 minutes the statement that is given is a repair attempt. The repair attempt should be short, and not emphasize why you might feel justified for what happened, rather it should focus on conveying love and giving a statement such as "I don't like it when we argue, I love you and I want things to be better between us. I still feel angry, but I'm trying to work through these things. Above all else I love you and that's the most important thing of all."

At this time after such a statement has been given, each partner may feel prepared to talk through their feelings to come to a better resolve concerning the argument. If both people are prepared to talk about it at this time, they may want to do an activity together, which may not require much interaction like watching a movie, but by doing something together, it says that your partner is more important, then the issues you argue about. This also helps both partners to calm down and be more receptive to resolving the problem at another time if the problem needs to be resolved.

Depression- Ups and Downs

Often when a person says that they are depressed they say when they are experiencing a depressive episode that I feel depressed all the time.  However, it is interesting that in therapy as we discuss in detail specific days, there are time periods where the depression is worse and better.  As a person recognizes that there are changes in depression during a typical day, and they start to recognize more readily time periods where they do not feel as depressed they often report being less depressed.  If a person also identifies what contributes to making the depression worse and better they can often decrease depressive symptoms.

Change First Principle and Breaking Old Relationship Pattterns

Sometimes I see couples having a difficult time breaking out of old patterns.  Here are a few ideas for breaking out of some relationship patterns.  One idea is to both agree to make changes together.  If you are accountable to the other person and you know that they are putting in work to make changes then it is easier to commit to the changes in your own personal life.  Some couples want their partner to change and if they do not see changes in their partner they are unwilling to make changes for themselves.  What can help break this pattern is adopting the change first principle, which is making changes in your own life first, and if your partner does not respond and make changes, you at least have improved your life.  What I see is if a couple adopts the change first principle their partner is more likely to be more open and willing to make changes in their own life.

The Purpose of this Blog

I would like to introduce myself.  My name is Brian Beistline and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT).  I am therapist that is working in private practice and I am someone that is passionate about my work as a therapist.  I am constantly trying to learn to improve my skills and knowledge as a therapist.  I am doing this blog to be able to communicate some of what I have learned through my experience of doing counseling, to post articles that I write about family research, and to post practical information of how to improve relationships and to improve overall mental health.

The articles that I write can be found on both my blog and on my website.  I want to use the blog to get ideas from others about what has helped them in their relationships and their overall mental health.  Also the feedback from what I post I really value, and I think this feedback can add a invaluable dimension to the blog.  I am listing here my contact information in case you would like to contact me in other ways other than through my blog.

Email: stationparkcounseling@outlook.com
Phone: 801-824-5210

Website: www.stationparkcounseling.com
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Address: 240 N East Promontory, Suite 200, Farmington, Utah 84025

Here are some pictures of my office in beautiful Station Park in Farmington, Utah.